Psychology Relationships Self

Fantasy Bond Relationships

A fantasy bond occurs between people who crave intimacy but are self protective & afraid to be alone.  These relationships initially feel like true love but dissolve into a love/fear dynamic due to emotional instability & risk of abandonment.  Fantasy bond relationships are devoid of true intimacy & vulnerability because emotionally unavailable people are compelled to maintain a safe distance from their partner.   This happens unconsciously because subconscious desires are oppositional to conscious desires, causing inner conflict.  Examples of emotional unavailability include dating people who are married or in relationship with someone else, people who live far away or in separate homes, refusing to commit but staying together, not letting the relationship evolve, dating people with a significant age difference & those with addictions to work, alcohol, drugs, & shopping etc.

Romantic relationships resemble the nature of early relationship with our primary caregiver.  We are attracted to people who bring up dysfunctional unconscious patterns to resolve.  The true meaning of romantic relationships is soul evolution because the flaws we see in our partner are flaws we also need to heal in ourselves.  You can’t see a flaw in someone unless you also share it, it’s just the way the universe works.  Trying to change your partner rather than your own perspective shows a lack of understanding about spiritual law.  Changing ourselves is challenging & requires humility, but attempting to change another is futile & inappropriate because we all develop at our own pace.  Needing to change or coerce another is a fear based choice based on egoic needs.

Until we love ourselves & have sufficient inner stability we will look to others for love & validation.  Unfortunately when we are insecure we attract insecure mates, because like attracts like.  Healthy relationships are illusory for those who remain unconscious & not prepared to look at their own stuff relationally.  Individuation is something we all need to do & for those who have experienced attachment trauma it can take longer to achieve.  Attachment trauma is not your fault but it is your responsibility to heal it.  Accepting yourself wherever you are is key!

Fantasy bond relationships occur when adults haven’t reconciled their attachment patterns with their early caregiver & are still looking to receive validation of their lovability.  They behave defensively because they haven’t stepped into their own power & see their partner as having power over them, which is a sure sign of giving power away.  Defensive behaviour shifts blame & makes relating complicated so it’s important to be self aware and have enough humility to accept your part of the problem & share your vulnerability.

Healthy adult partners don’t look to each other for validation because they know happiness & stability can only be found within.  The behaviour of their partner doesn’t affect their stability, but it may reflect parts of themselves that need looking at.

When you find yourself giving up parts of your identity to maintain the relationship you are going in the wrong direction.  Once the novelty of the honeymoon phase has worn off feelings of disconnection & loneliness return because resolution of these issues can’t be found in another.  The partner is in a position to penetrate the defences developed over time and subsequently they are seen as a threat & treated as such.  Anyone who doesn’t speak the truth about their thoughts, feelings & actions will perpetuate distrust in the other.

Until we love ourselves & take responsibility for our happiness our insecurity will always be reflected back to us in relationship.  The problems resides in us & will be taken into every other relationship until we realise the pattern, surrender & resolve it.  Providing your own secure base is the only way to securely attach in relationship.  Self love requires authenticity, which is the dedication to being ourselves even when doing so is met with discomfort internally or from others.  Resolving your own issues is the only way to attract a healthy mature relationship…

The term Fantasy Bond was originated by Richard W Firestone


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  • Reply Georgia 27 August 2019 at 16:06

    Great article but…am I enotionally available for liking somebody who lives far away? Why is that?

    • Reply Sarah Dewhirst 27 August 2019 at 16:30

      Emotional availability exists on a scale and people vary in emotional availability for numerous reasons. Often being attracted to someone who lives at a distance is a subconscious way of keeping safe and avoiding being truly seen. That being said there is no external judge of what is right and wrong. Attraction is deeply personal and no body else’s business but the people in the relationship. Unless the distance makes you sad and you crave more closeness, there is no problem. If you desire to live nearer/with your partner, you could work on whatever subconscious blocks, beliefs and assumptions are keeping you at a distance. I wish you love and happiness…

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